[Psychology] Techniques to not be swayed by others! How to draw boundaries to live “on your own axis”

“That person seems to be in a bad mood, so I get upset as if it were me.”
"I want to say no, but I'm afraid of offending the other person, so I end up saying yes."
"I can't rest because I'm so excited and sad about the reactions on social media and the evaluations from people around me."

If you are feeling this kind of trouble, it is not because your character is weak. It's just that I'm not good at drawing the boundaries of my heart. **

As long as we live in society, we cannot ignore the existence of others. However, if you take on all the feelings and evaluations of others as if they were your own, you will become mentally worn out and lose your true sense of self.

In this article, from a psychological perspective, I will tell you specific techniques for breaking away from the ``other-centered'' mindset and living a comfortable life based on the ``self-centered''.

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Chapter 1: Why are we so concerned about what others think? (The true nature of “other axis”)

Why are we so sensitive to the reactions of others? There is some psychological background to it.

1. “Need for approval” as a survival instinct

Humans are social animals. In the past, being rejected by a group was a problem that could lead directly to death, so we unconsciously developed a strong instinct (need for approval) to ``meet the expectations of those around us'' and ``not to be disliked.'' The fact that you are concerned about what other people think of you is a sign that your brain is working desperately to ensure your safety.

2. What is the “other-centered” state?

However, when this survival instinct becomes overactive, we end up leading a life centered around others. This refers to a state in which you prioritize other people's reactions and expectations over your own values ​​and feelings. We keep prioritizing ``what makes the other person happy'' over ``what I want to do,'' and as a result, our own hearts are left behind.

3. Loose boundaries

An important concept in psychology is the ``boundary.'' This is the ``mental boundary'' drawn between ourselves and others. People who have ambiguous boundaries tend to take on other people's moods and emotions as their own problems. Thinking that ``the other person is angry = it's my fault'' or ``the other person's request = I can't refuse'' is caused by not being able to distinguish between the other person's domain and one's own domain.

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Chapter 2: How to draw "mental boundaries" to protect yourself

Living ``on your own axis'' does not mean being selfish. The key is to correctly separate the issue from the other person's problem up to this point to your own. To achieve this, take the following three steps to be aware of your boundaries.

1. Clarify “ownership of emotions”

When someone else is in a bad mood, it's that person's feeling and it's not your fault. ** For example, if your boss is in a bad mood, you may be the cause, but more often it's due to his or her own stress or personality. By thinking objectively, ``Oh, this person is in a bad mood right now (observation),'' you can protect your own peace and avoid being swallowed up by the other person's emotions.

2. Be aware of “psychological distance”

Just like physical distance, emotional distance also needs to be controlled. By understanding that it is normal for this person to react in this way because of their personality, you can prevent yourself from becoming exhausted by excessive empathy and sympathy. Rather than pushing the other person away, it is important to ``maintain an appropriate distance and interact with them.''

3. Redefine “your values”

In order to draw boundaries, you need to think about what is important to you. Instead of prioritizing ``being liked by everyone,'' the criteria for making decisions is ``what makes me feel comfortable'' and ``does not go against my beliefs.'' The accumulation of these small "concessions to yourself" will create strong boundaries.

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Chapter 3: Assertive Communication: Saying “NO” Without Being Angry

The most specific technique for protecting boundaries is ``Assertive Communication''. This is the art of communicating your opinions and feelings sincerely while respecting the other person.

The reason why we feel guilty about saying "no" is because we fear that "if we say no, we will hurt the other person" or "that we might be disliked." However, if you force yourself to say "yes", you are ultimately hurting yourself. **

“3-step approach” to overcome your weaknesses

We'll show you some specific techniques for refusing without being too harsh. 1. Show acceptance with cushion words Instead of saying ``I can't do it'' right away, first let the other person know that you understand their wishes and feelings. * "I'm very happy to hear from you." * “I understand your situation.”

2. Reject with factual reasons
Rather than being emotional, we communicate the limits of our current resources (time, physical strength, ability).
* ``We currently have a large number of projects, and if we were to take on this case, we would not be able to handle it with sufficient quality, so we will not be able to handle it at this time.''

3. Suggest alternatives (if possible)
Instead of just saying no, show your cooperation by offering alternative solutions.
* "It's difficult this month, but it can be adjusted next month."
* "It's difficult for me, but 〇〇-san might be able to help."

Mindset for letting go of guilt

The feeling of guilt that comes after you say no, wondering if you were being mean. The trick to getting rid of this is to redefine it as ``saying no means protecting your ``yes.''** By saying no, you can protect your time and energy. It is "integrity" that enables us to perform better and build healthy relationships with others.

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Summary: To value yourself and choose your own comfort

Living ``on your own axis'' does not mean being lonely. Rather, by treating yourself with respect, you will be able to build equal and honest relationships with others.

It may be difficult to draw perfect boundaries from the beginning. At first, just realizing that ``Oh, right now I'm being swayed by the other person's mood'' is enough of a step.

Every time you say "no" to yourself, the realm of your heart expands little by little. Build your own foundation that will not waver even in the storm of other people's evaluations.

**You were not born just to live up to someone else's expectations.
Being able to smile like you in a place where you feel comfortable. That is the most important thing and must be protected. **